"Come to me, all you that labour, and are burdened, and I will refresh you..."

"...Take up my yoke upon you, and learn of me, because I am meek, and humble of heart: and you shall find rest to your souls.  For my yoke is sweet and my burden light." - Matthew 11:28-30.

This quote is one my mind often goes to when my heart is heavy and my soul weary.  These words of Our Lord remind us that He is holding His arms wide open for us to run into when we are in need of comfort.  As a tender father, He is sad when we are and wishes us to taste the sweetness that comes with resignation to His Will and the sharing in His suffering.

My heart is heavy once again with news I am hesitant to share.  At 6 weeks pregnant, I once again find myself miscarrying.  I have been bleeding heavily and cramping for almost 4 days now and though it hasn't been confirmed yet through blood work, I know what's going on.  I had blood work last week which confirmed the pregnancy but also found my progesterone levels are low.  Unfortunately the damage has already been done and there's nothing we can do about it now.

I wasn't sure if I was even going to write about it on here, but as I found it almost therapeutic last time, I'm hoping by writing it all down I can organize the jumbled mess inside my head.  I've been struggling with a lot of confusion this time, and I haven't really been able to put into words what's been going on in my mind.

At first I just felt numb, and then I refused to accept it.  I kept holding onto the hope that the bleeding would stop, my body would recover, and I would continue carrying this child.  But after a few days, I couldn't deny it any longer.  That's when discouragement and despair came knocking and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and shut everything out.  They creep up on you so silently that you hardly even notice.  It would be so easy to open the door and let them in, and I even entertained them on the front step for awhile.  But by the grace of God and the strength of my husband, I was brought back to reality and to my knees.

Zenith got us started on a novena to the Infant of Prague right away and as he said the words aloud, I opened the door to God instead of despair.  My aching heart cried out to Him with many questions and He responded by touching my soul, quieting those questions.  Now was not the time for questions...God knows, and I don't need to.

This is one of those moments when your Faith is tested.  Do I really trust God?  Do I trust Him enough to stop asking for answers?  Do I trust that He knows best and has reasons for everything?  Yes. Yes.  I do trust Him, with all of my heart.  I wanted to wallow in my grief and keep myself shut tight, but Our Lord wouldn't stop knocking.

I wanted this baby so badly.  But with this being so completely out of my control, I have nothing left but to know that He must have seen this was for the best.  And this could have been so much worse.  So I thank God that we were once again blessed throughout this ordeal; that the day I realized I was miscarrying, there was a massive snow storm that prevented Zenith from going to work.  I don't know how I would have handled it being by myself all day since he would have had school that night as well.  Physically, it hasn't been as painful as the last one.

There are always things to be thankful for in the midst of suffering and sorrow, and I hope God will always give me the grace to see it.

There will definitely be rough days ahead, but Zenith and I are comforted by the words of Our Lord.  We will take refuge in His arms, and once strengthened by His grace, we will return refreshed and pray that this cross will be yet another stepping stone in our journey to Heaven.

~Lindsay