Grace in loss; Coping with Miscarriage

Miscarriage.  It’s one of those taboo words likes infertile, stillbirth, death…any kind of loss is just tough to talk about whether it be your own or another’s.  So how do you help someone out who is going through that?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I don’t know because it’s what I’m going through now and I don’t even know how to handle it myself.  I couldn’t even begin to express the hoard of emotions that comes rushing over you when you realize the child you once carried, for however short a time, is no longer there; that the life once inside will now never know the face of God without the grace of baptism.  There. I said it.  The greatest thing that haunts me as a mother; 4 of my children will never see the face of God.  If you want taboo, now that’s taboo.  How do you offer comfort to a grieving mother when you can’t offer her the most consoling thing?

Does that mean God has just abandoned mothers who miscarry?  That He really doesn’t care about those children that are seemingly tossed aside?  Of course not and never for a moment would I consent to think that way.  What is Faith unless it is tested?  How can I proclaim that I have total trust in God and the first bump in the road throw that so-called Faith to the wayside?  I can’t.    Despite all this heartache, gloom, depression, anger, despair, and confusion that rages inside, I don’t doubt for a second that God foresaw this and also foresaw the good that will come of this, provided I allow Him to continue working in my life.  It’s in God’s plan…how can I not feel comfort in that?  God doesn’t cause anything bad to happen…that’s the result of sin.  He gave us the chance at a perfect world long ago and we squandered that opportunity.  We, through our eagerness to sin, have caused the disorder that has befallen our world.  However, despite God giving us a perfect world and us throwing it back in His face and rejecting Him, He still works to make every bad thing good again.  How sad He must be to see an aching mother’s heart, breaking over the loss of a child.  All He wants is to comfort and make right again, if we would only let Him.  All He asks is for us to come to Him in prayer, and there He is, arms outstretched, ready comfort and guide us. 

My intellect knows all this but in those moments of aching and confusion, everything becomes so muddled.  No matter how many times I hear it or read it, it won’t sink in until I bring myself to my knees before the cross and ask; ask God for the grace of acceptance, the grace to move on and glorify Him through these trials.

So we’re back to how do you comfort a grieving mother?  Offer her sympathy and then pray.  Pray for her to find God in this and God will do the rest.  I know from experience that I will not move on or find comfort until I drop to my knees before God and give Him everything, yet each time, despite that knowledge, I struggle.  Because I know that even after that, it still hurts.  And it hurts for a long time.  And I’m not ready yet to bear that burden.  But I always forget that I don’t bear it alone…Our Lord shoulders it with me, carrying me in these times of hardship.

And there is also comfort in the belief that though my babies are not in Heaven with Our Lord, they are in a place with no suffering or sadness.  Though there is no defined doctrine on this in the Church, it has been the opinion of Saints and theologians throughout the years that there is no merited punishment and therefore they are in a place of complete contentment.  We also believe that God has given every soul a guardian angel until the moment they reach their final destination and whether it be Limbo or otherwise, I imagine my babies' guardian angels, ever so gently, taking my babies into their arms to carry them to that final destination. 

I’m not ready to move forward but I never will be.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t.  There are going to be ups and downs and constant reminders.  Just this morning, I woke up feeling more like I could handle the day and then I found out about another mother who was expecting her third and I dissolved into a puddle of tears.  With all the expectant mothers around me, there are constant reminders of what I had, but lost.  Every moment of pain, however, is an opportunity to allow grace to work within me; another jewel I can put in my treasure box to give to Our Lord.  He made sacrifice so beautiful, the ultimate example of love.  And now He’s giving me the opportunity to imitate that example while supplying the strength I need to do so.  And just because my heart aches for another child I’ve lost, doesn’t mean I’m not also happy at the same time for another mother bringing forth life.  Yes, it’s a reminder, but it’s also beautiful because for a child lost, there is another one being brought into this world and I would have to be extremely selfish not to see the joy in that.

I didn’t know how this post was going to end, but I knew I needed to write it, even if it was just to once again organize the muddled thoughts inside.  It seems God has worked through my fingers on this keyboard to offer me some comfort while trying to write something for you all.  By allowing others to read these thoughts, I’m somehow committing to them; it is holding me accountable that even in those hard moments I’m going to pick myself up again and keep bringing it back before the cross, where I will find strength to continue forward.

There is heartache in suffering, but there is also peace and joy when you unite it with that of Our Lord, trusting in His Divine Plan, and remembering this life is a valley of tears.  Someday this life will end, and the one that awaits us has no more tears and no more pain.  The tears are a reminder that we were not made for this life but for the next, and that is where our focus should be.

Please keep us in your prayers and God bless you all.

~Lindsay