"Come to me, all you that labour, and are burdened, and I will refresh you..."

"...Take up my yoke upon you, and learn of me, because I am meek, and humble of heart: and you shall find rest to your souls.  For my yoke is sweet and my burden light." - Matthew 11:28-30.

This quote is one my mind often goes to when my heart is heavy and my soul weary.  These words of Our Lord remind us that He is holding His arms wide open for us to run into when we are in need of comfort.  As a tender father, He is sad when we are and wishes us to taste the sweetness that comes with resignation to His Will and the sharing in His suffering.

My heart is heavy once again with news I am hesitant to share.  At 6 weeks pregnant, I once again find myself miscarrying.  I have been bleeding heavily and cramping for almost 4 days now and though it hasn't been confirmed yet through blood work, I know what's going on.  I had blood work last week which confirmed the pregnancy but also found my progesterone levels are low.  Unfortunately the damage has already been done and there's nothing we can do about it now.

I wasn't sure if I was even going to write about it on here, but as I found it almost therapeutic last time, I'm hoping by writing it all down I can organize the jumbled mess inside my head.  I've been struggling with a lot of confusion this time, and I haven't really been able to put into words what's been going on in my mind.

At first I just felt numb, and then I refused to accept it.  I kept holding onto the hope that the bleeding would stop, my body would recover, and I would continue carrying this child.  But after a few days, I couldn't deny it any longer.  That's when discouragement and despair came knocking and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and shut everything out.  They creep up on you so silently that you hardly even notice.  It would be so easy to open the door and let them in, and I even entertained them on the front step for awhile.  But by the grace of God and the strength of my husband, I was brought back to reality and to my knees.

Zenith got us started on a novena to the Infant of Prague right away and as he said the words aloud, I opened the door to God instead of despair.  My aching heart cried out to Him with many questions and He responded by touching my soul, quieting those questions.  Now was not the time for questions...God knows, and I don't need to.

This is one of those moments when your Faith is tested.  Do I really trust God?  Do I trust Him enough to stop asking for answers?  Do I trust that He knows best and has reasons for everything?  Yes. Yes.  I do trust Him, with all of my heart.  I wanted to wallow in my grief and keep myself shut tight, but Our Lord wouldn't stop knocking.

I wanted this baby so badly.  But with this being so completely out of my control, I have nothing left but to know that He must have seen this was for the best.  And this could have been so much worse.  So I thank God that we were once again blessed throughout this ordeal; that the day I realized I was miscarrying, there was a massive snow storm that prevented Zenith from going to work.  I don't know how I would have handled it being by myself all day since he would have had school that night as well.  Physically, it hasn't been as painful as the last one.

There are always things to be thankful for in the midst of suffering and sorrow, and I hope God will always give me the grace to see it.

There will definitely be rough days ahead, but Zenith and I are comforted by the words of Our Lord.  We will take refuge in His arms, and once strengthened by His grace, we will return refreshed and pray that this cross will be yet another stepping stone in our journey to Heaven.

~Lindsay

Put your hands on your head!

In the last videos I posted, I told William "put your hands on your head!" to which I got a blank stare.  Now, every time he watches that video and hears me say that, he put his hands on his head!  So here's a little clip of that. :)

~Lindsay

Wee Willy Winkey running through the town...

Just a couple videos of the little guy on the move finally!  He can touch his nose when asked where his nose is, put his hands on his head on command, and clap when asked but he wouldn't do in in the videos.  Apparently this kid doesn't perform on command. :P

Home Date Night: The Melting Pot

It's important to keep the spark alive in marriage and to always be putting forth effort to continue to grow in your relationship with your spouse.  However, dating your spouse after you've had children isn't easy.  It's also expensive.  But who says in order to date your spouse you have to go out?  Home date nights can be just as nice, if not sometimes nicer.

It's my job to take care of and plan date nights at home, and then because it's still important to get out (away from the house and children), Zenith plans our nights out.  Because it's expensive to go out, we only go out every few months or so, which is why we need something to fill in between that time.  Dating your spouse is so important and can't be neglected because of money.

This date-night-at-home's theme was the Melting Pot.  It's a pretty neat fondue restaurant, which I've never been to but wanting to.  So I decided to recreate the restaurant at home.

Welcome to the Melting Pot, your table for two awaits you...

This evening's special features a delicious Spinach Mushroom Cheese Fondue; the sharp Cheddar, Feta and Parmesan cheeses are balanced perfectly with a splash of a bold yet slightly fruity red wine added in.  One the side we have vegetables for dipping as well as freshly baked artisan bread.

...and tonight's entertainment will be Mr. William, monkey extraordinaire!

(the little guy joined us until he went to bed)

And to finish off , we have a Paleo Dark Chocolate Fondue.  This rich yet smooth chocolate is paired perfectly with fruit to make it a deliciously sweet, yet not too heavy dessert.

It was seriously delicious as well as refined sugar free!

It was a lovely night and it felt so good to take time out from the daily grind and focus on our relationship and just reconnecting.  

How about some recipes?

Spinach Mushroom Cheese Fondue

2 cups shredded cheddar cheese (I used sharp cheddar)

1/2 cup crumbled feta

1/4 cup of grated Parmesan

2 Tbsp cornstarch

2 Tbsp butter

1 heaped tsp garlic

4 oz frozen spinach thawed and drained well

1/3 cup chopped mushrooms (I just used canned)

3/4 cup wine

Shred cheeses and gently mix cornstarch into the cheese. Refrigerate until needed.

In a large saucepan over medium heat, melt butter. Add minced garlic. Meanwhile, roughly chop mushrooms and add to pan. Cook mushrooms down for five minutes. When liquid has evaporated and you notice brown bits on the bottom of the pan, add wine.

Begin adding shredded cheese a handful at a time to ensure slow, even melting. After the cheese has melted, add the well-drained spinach. Stir to heat through.

Pour cheese mixture into a fondue pot or a crock pot. Serve with variety of fruits, vegetables, breads and meat.  (Adapted from the original recipe here.)

Here's the Paleo Dark Chocolate Fondue recipe.  The only changes I made to it were using regular milk instead of coconut milk because I didn't have any, using regular cocoa powder, and corn starch instead of arrowroot powder.  I made it all right in my fondue pot, but I recommend the double boiler.  It MUST be heated very slowly!  I burnt my first batch from heating it too fast. 

I have some videos of the kiddo crawling around that I still need to upload off my camera so I'll put them on here soon.

Happy Thursday!

~Lindsay

Movie Review: Mom's Night Out

We're not big TV people.  In fact, we don't even have a TV.  We have an entertainment center, but replacing the big black "idiot box" in the designated "tv spot" is my diaper bag along with a few throw blankets.  Instead of dvd, vcr (do they still make those?), and blue ray players, we have Pictionary, Skip-bo, Backgammon, Scrabble, and Chess stacked in the cubby above it.

However, Zenith and I do like the occasional movie, which we watch on our laptop if we can find something that won't end in that frustrating "I can't believe I wasted 2 hours of my life on that!"  So recently, my sister Angie, who lives in Kansas, and I decided to skype and watch a movie together.  We'd heard good things about the movie, Mom's Night Out so we put it on and were pleasantly surprised.

Many "family" movies of today, featuring Moms as the heroine, aren't relatable (at least not to me).  They often show the husbands/fathers being lazy slobs, vegging out on the couch in front of the TV after work, taking very little part in the family.  The wife/mother usually finds herself stretched thin, packing lunches, getting kids ready for and to school, working a job, taxiing her children around to sports and after school activities, rushing home to make dinner and spending the rest of the evening cleaning the house, taking care of her two ungrateful children (because who has more than that these days?), and cleaning up after her husband (who since he's come home hasn't done a thing besides grab a can of beer from the fridge and plop on the couch).

Throughout the typical story, the wife/mother realizes she is overworked (I'll say!) and under-appreciated and goes through some type of "mommy crisis/freak-out."  The story ends with a big group hug as the husband and children realize that they've taken advantage of the wife/mother, and promise to be better.

Very different from this typical story, we now look at Mom's Night Out.  Allyson has a beautiful family, and a loving, supportive husband and she knows it; so why does she feel unhappy?  Is it the chaos from her three, energetic children?  Is it because she is a clean freak and can't seem to keep up with the mess that comes with having small children?  Is it because maybe she's just not cut out to be a mother and is failing at everything?  That's what she seems to think and doesn't quite know what to do about it.

She decides she's overdue for a girls' night out with two friends, leaving the kids to have "daddy time."  After a whirlwind of a night, during which nothing turns out the way she planned and complete with a visit to the police station, she (and movie viewers) learn some valuable lessons.  She realized that as moms, we do get overwhelmed, have "moments," bad days, and feel just plain worn out; but it's okay.  And it doesn't make us failures.  She finally understood that not only did God give her the children she has, but He also gave those children her specifically as their mom.  He knew she was perfect for them and with His grace, could raise them well.

All it took was for her to accept her vocation of motherhood, embracing the good with the bad, and finding the joy in the "little" moments; those small things which seem otherwise insignificant, but are really tiny gifts from God.  Movie watchers finish this movie with more than the message that mom needs a break (which she most certainly does from time to time).  The moms sigh in relief that there are other wives and mothers out there who feel the same way, and they can stop feeling so guilty for all their "shortcomings."  With God's help, we are all "good enough" for our families, and we need to stop insulting God by saying we're not, because He is the one who made us after all.  Stop trying to do it on your own, and accept the the hand which He lovingly extends, remembering that we can do all things in Him who strengthens us.

At the end of the movie, Allyson admits that she isn't always smiling, but she's smiling more.  That's a good reminder to us that there will always be hard times, but our crosses as mothers don't have to always bring us sorrow.  They can also bring us joy; those triumphant moments when your children are all screaming "MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMY!" and you're pulled in a million directions, but you pause for a second to offer this moment to God, knowing that even though once again the laundry will be left undone at the end of the day, it's okay.  As my sister Kaite often reminds me, would God rather have you attending to your children, taking care of their small needs and in doing so, showing them the love of God, or would He rather you get the laundry done?  Sure, you're children aren't going to die if they're pushed away saying, "not now" or "I'm busy," and it's good for them to know how to be patient and wait, but stop feeling so guilty that you put your children first and now some part of the housework is undone.  It'll still be there tomorrow!  Housework is always there.  It will always need to be done.  In doing so, we will also be embracing our vocations of motherhood, and find that peace as Allyson did.

Don't neglect yourselves either, Moms!  Sometimes we need to step back and away in order to remember these things.  Don't feel bad about coming to the end of the day and feeling good about putting the kids to bed...there's a reason God made children to need more sleep than parents. ;)  And don't feel bad about needing a girls night, or getting a babysitter and going out on a date.  We'll all be a much better mommies for it.

Sometimes Moms just need a night out!

~Lindsay

Experimental baking

If you're going to spend a day experimenting on something, why not on cookies??  As I mentioned in a previous post, I haven't been having very good luck with chocolate chip cookies....basically my whole life.  However, as part of my previous job as a teacher's assistant in a special needs program, we did a lot of baking, including chocolate chip cookies.  And guess what?  They were always perfect!  So why were the ones I made at school so good, but as soon as I try them at home, I have to sub out the butter for shortening in order to get the thick, chewy cookies I love, but sacrifice the buttery flavor?

Well, after a day of experimenting (hey, I had a reason for baking...it was for Epiphany!), I finally figured out what I've been doing wrong.  Good bye oh-so-bad-for-you-and-flavorless-shortening, hello yummy-buttery-still-high-in-fat-but-much-better-for-you-butter!  Turns out the type of cookie sheet you use makes a huge difference.  On a shiny, insulated cookie sheet (like the one I have), butter melts faster than the cookie can bake, resulting in the cookie going splat on the cookie sheet.  Dark cookie sheets, or at least thinner, un-insulated ones, heat up faster and bake the cookie before the butter has a chance to ruin it.  Refrigerating the dough before baking seemed to help a bit, but I've heard that for the best cookies, the dough should be baked as soon as it's been mixed to get the best results.

First batch on the insulated cookie sheet

Second batch I did on my thinner sheet...which would have come out great if I hadn't forgotten them in the oven...

Third batch I tried on my pizza stone.  They did great this time, but last time I tried it, they went flat so I think it help that I preheated it, turned the oven temp up a bit, and pre-rolled the cookie dough to get them on the stone and into the oven as fast as I could.

My thinner cookie sheet

So in the end it turned out to be pretty successful, and they were quite tasty.  Here's the recipe, adapted from the ghiradelli package since I made them gluten-free.

• 2 cups 60% Cocoa Ghiradelli Chocolate Chips

• 1 cup butter or margarine, softened

• 1/2 cup sugar

• 1 cup brown sugar, packed

• 2 large eggs

• 2 teaspoons vanilla

• 2 1/4 cups Erika's All Purpose Gluten-Free Flour Mix

• 1 teaspoon baking soda

• 1 teaspoon baking powder

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions:

Heat oven to 375ºF.

Stir flour with baking soda, baking powder and salt; set aside. In large mixing bowl, beat butter with
sugar and brown sugar at meduim speed until creamy and lightened in color. Add eggs
and vanilla, one at a time. Mix on low speed until incorporated. Gradually blend dry
mixture into creamed mixture. Stir in chocolate chips. (Don't forget to sample! It's a crucial part of baking, you know.) Drop by tablespoon onto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown.  Try not to eat the whole batch in one sitting.

I also thought I'd share some pictures of Epiphany...our Three Kings arrived at the Manger in an unconventional way this year.

They were able to convince Old McDonald to borrow his tractor for the rest of their journey to Bethlehem.

Happy Thursday!

~Lindsay

Life threatening...pennies??

I just experienced a moment I hope to never experience ever again (though I'm sure every mother goes through this at least once in her life).  I'm still shaking as I write this, but as a warning to other mothers and in the hopes this might help others who find themselves in this awful situation, I will explain what I'm talking about.

William was playing on the living room floor while I was in the kitchen.  I had already gone in there a few times and taken everything off the floor that he shouldn't have and he had a few toys which he was playing with.  I've heard him cough plenty of times without reacting too much to it, but not even a second after he coughed this time, I was flying into the living room.  Whether "mother's intuition" kicked in, or my guardian angel set the alarm off in my head (I prefer to think the latter), I knew something was wrong.

It took a lifetime to reach the living room, during which I heard him cough twice.  When I reached him, he was whimpering.  H was on his back and the first thing I saw was the penny on his chest, full of saliva.  My initial thought was, "thank God, he coughed it up!" until I realized something was still wrong.  His face was distress in between small gags and half coughs.

For a split second I had no idea what to do.  Was there something else in his mouth?  Or was this just from the penny that had been in there?  I picked him up and knew there was something else in there, and that it was lodged in his throat.  The thought crossed my mind to do a blind sweep, but I was afraid I would only push whatever was in there further down and make it worse.  I flipped him over in my arms so his stomach was facing the ground and his bum higher than his head and gave him a couple of good smacks on his back, trying to push toward his head in the hope that whatever was lodged in his throat would be propelled out.

It wasn't working.  I ran out to the kitchen to get my phone call 911, while sending automatic, wordless pleas to our guardian angels.  It hadn't cut off his airways yet as he was still breathing somewhat, but kept gagging and was struggling.  I was still unsure if anything was in there or if the penny that I saw had just done damage, but I decided to give it one more try and laid him on his stomach on my knee, tilted his body so gravity would help me dislodge whatever was in there, and gave him another good smack on the back, pushing toward the top of his spine.

I heard a plop on the ground and looked to see another penny in a pool of saliva.  William's breathing went back to normal, he stopped gagging and I knew I'd gotten it.  We both dissolved to tears and I thanked God and our guardian angels for their help.

I have no idea where those pennies came from.  I don't keep loose change around the house, and I just vacuumed the living room yesterday.  It taught me a good lesson in thoroughly checking the room before leaving him alone.  However, I also realize that as cautious as we try to be, things can still happen and we can't control everything.

But wow, that experience really shook me.  I just had a conversation a few weeks ago with my mom and sister about what to do when babies are choking, which is why I thought to do what I did.  I thank my guardian angel for putting that in my head and not allowing me to freeze up and panic.  It makes me wonder how many times our guardian angels have saved our lives!

Anyway, I hope you never have to experience that, but if it ever does happen, that's one thing to think of.

~Lindsay

Merry Little Christmas!

Happy Feast of the Epiphany, or "Little Christmas"!  I have a few traditions I'd like to eventually start for this special feast, but since Zenith has both work and school today, it's going to be a pretty average day.  Once William gets a little older, we want to make this a very special feast, being the last of the 12 days of Christmas.  Too many people celebrate Christmas Day as being the end of Christmas, rather than the start.  The Church has given us such a wonderful way of preparing for and celebrating this season.  We have all of Advent to prepare our hearts and souls for the coming of Christ, holding off the celebration until Christmas when the real celebrating begins!

I would like to eventually start the tradition of giving our children half their gifts on Christmas, and the other half on Epiphany, making that day a big celebration with Zenith even taking work off possibly.  I want them to have something to look forward to after Christmas Day is over since that is when the rest of the world ceases to celebrate.

We had a lovely New Year's Eve at Kaite's house with Mom and Dad.  We fed the kids their dinners, tucked them into bed, and enjoyed the rest of our evening off! ;)  Each couple brought "supplies" to make a different cocktail, and we all sampled each other's cocktails throughout the night.

We had B52s, Brandy Old Fashion Sweets, and Sloe Gin Fizzes and they were all quite yummy!

Dinner was Sesame Pineapple Chicken with Fried Rice and a side salad

Can't forget about evening cuppas!

The little guy having fun playing with the toys Aunty Kaite set out for him

And of course he had to dress up for the occasion!

The balloons have New Year's Resolutions on them.

We decided to do a Yankee Swap and each brought a gift to swap.  It became quite the game as everyone gets a few cards, and when your card is called, you go up to pick up a gift.  That keeps going until all the cards are gone and everyone has a gift.  But during it, you can steal each other's gifts so it becomes quite competitive as everyone fights for the most oddly shaped gifts.

Each gift developed names according to what they looked like...we had the Goose, the Poinsettia, the Tootsie Roll, the Classic Christmas Gift, the Kid's Toy and the Mitten.  Most of the gifts were wrapped very strangely to throw everyone off as to what they were and get people fighting over them.  It was really fun!  Zenith and I got the Goose (a really soft, warm throw blanket which Dan had rigged up in a contraption to throw everyone off), and the Kid's Toy (a bottle of Baileys with liqueur glasses).  

Happy New Year!

Believe it or not, he didn't have a drop of alcohol.  (For those of you who have seen the "Worst Music Video Ever," you might recognize this.)

And this guy definitely doesn't need any alcohol to reach this point. :)

It was a great night complete with good company, food and drinks.

We also went out Sunday with a couple from Church and had a really nice time.  We went down to the Enchanted Village at Jordan's Furniture where they recreate an entire town from the 1950s (it was all originally made in 1958) at Christmas with different Christmas scenes of inside homes and shops.  It's all very festive and neat!

Afterwards, we went back to our friends' house and had a lovely visit with them.  It's so nice to have another young couple with children to relate to on state in life as well as the Faith.  

Not much other news around here.  William "army crawls" all over the place now.  He sits himself up in the crib and can pull himself up unassisted on the coffee table and crib.  He can travel all around the coffee table while holding on.  He got a lot of books for Christmas and has been enjoying storytime with Mommy and Daddy.

What Daddy does after diaper changing

I heard him in the nursery from the other room laughing and I knew he'd gotten something he wasn't supposed to.  He has a particular "triumphant" laugh when he finally gets something he's been trying to get. (Please don't mind the mess...it was early. :P)

That's about all for now!  Merry Little Christmas Everyone!

~Lindsay