Gladly do we receive the gifts which Our Lord generously bestows upon us. We receive them with joy, very often taking them for granted and without sufficient thanks. There are also times when God sees fit to take back what He has given our unworthy selves, not out of malice or some cruel joke, but for the good of our souls. For what Saint ever made it to Heaven on the pleasures of this world? I think at last I understand in a very small way why the Saints accepted and even sought out suffering so willingly...the joy that comes with surrendering to Divine Providence and the suffering of this life is incomparable with any of the pleasures this life has to offer.
The Lord gave us a precious gift, and now He has taken it away. In His Divine Plan, He saw that this was in our best interest, though we will never understand or know why. Wednesday, I had my first appointment with my midwife. We listened to the heartbeat and everything seemed perfect. Even with this confirmation, I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Friday, I started bleeding and Saturday morning, I finally started to accept what my body was trying to tell me. We went into the hospital to confirm what my heart already knew, but my mind was trying to deny. An ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat. They sized the baby at 9 weeks, though the doctor thinks the baby could have shrunk after passing away and our dates could have been off since we heard a heartbeat on Wednesday. There's no knowing when or why it happened but we were sent home to wait.
Last night, after 3 hours of intense labor pains, I delivered our little baby. I had made one request of Our Lord through the whole thing...that I might see and hold our baby. I can't begin to describe how blessed I feel that He granted my request and I was able to hold him/her in the palm of my hand, see his/her little fingers and toes and even the tiny ears. It was undeniable that our beautiful baby was human, even at this early stage of development. From what I had read of development and from the size of the baby, it seemed to be between 10 and 11 weeks old. It was the greatest gift for both Zenith and I to witness the miracle of what was once a life in one of its earliest stages. It reinforced that I was still a mother of two, though the second is no longer with us, and all that I went through the past few months with nausea and fatigue didn't just end in the passing of "tissue." I had a baby inside me who will never taste the bitterness of suffering or pain, but will spend eternity in a perfect state of happiness.
Zenith has been incredibly strong and my rock through all this. He was there for me every step of the way to comfort or cry with me. Each new trial we go through just proves to unite us more closely with each other, and brings us closer to God.
As hard as it's been, we're doing ok. Thanks to the prayers and loving support of our family and friends, we have been showered with God's grace, strength and consolation to make it through this and hopefully come out the better for it.
Sadly we go through this, but joyfully we move forward, and remember that every good thing comes from God and that as He gives, He also takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
~Lindsay
That was a beautiful post! You amaze and inspire me with your strength! We continue to mourn and pray with you/for you! We love all 4 of you!
ReplyDelete